Dear Readers,
I usually try to write amusing letters of a light-hearted nature, but, unfortunately, I cannot do that today.
Instead, this correspondence must be of a more solemn, serious tone, but it’s not because we have entered into the season of Lent, a time to leave all gaiety and levity behind (except for St. Patrick’s Day parties) as we embark upon our 40-day desert journey of prayer, fasting, and almsgiving. Indeed, I welcome such a season of renewal.
No, the cause of today’s melancholy mindset can be found in the meaning of the term itself.
“Lent” comes from an Old English word meaning “lengthen” and it’s an astrological fact that days begin to grow longer in February specifically to allow us extra time in our day to complete that dreaded, demanding drudgery called — cleaning out the refrigerator.
Perhaps a bit of background is in order.
What’s a ‘baseboard’?
About 43 years ago, my mother-in-law came for a visit, and one morning, as we chatted over a cup of tea at the kitchen table, Bev looked over into the general vicinity of the hallway and said, “I always hate the chore of cleaning baseboards. Have you found a good way to clean them?”
Now, I had only been married a short time and was afraid that whatever opinion Bev had of me at the time would drop dramatically if she found out I had no idea what a baseboard was and thus had never ever cleaned one.
“Well . . .” My mind raced as I frantically tried to come up with an appropriate response. I surmised that since beds have headboards, they must also have baseboards, so I replied, “Well . . . I just fold the bedspread over them at night and that seems to do the trick!”
After a very long silence, Bev smiled as she stirred more sugar into her teacup and said, “Oh, now that’s a clever idea!”
That’s one of the many things I admire about Bev, her unfailing kindness! Another thing I’ve always admired is her housekeeping skills . . . even while raising 12 kids!
Clean enough ‘to eat off’
The expression, “the kitchen floor was so clean you could eat off of it!” was coined by a person who had just come from visiting Beverly Kelly’s house. Believe it or not, all of her children inherited that housekeeper-of-the-year gene, including my husband, Dave.
That’s a good thing, you say?
Shortly after the baseboard incident, I had mopped the kitchen floor one day — and my version of kitchen floor-mopping is a five-minute once-over with a sponge mop — then left to go to the grocery store, returning only a few minutes later as I’d forgotten my list.
When I walked into the kitchen, there was Dave with a giant, heavy, old-fashioned string mop, re-mopping the floor!
I was incredulous. “What are you doing!? I just mopped in here!!”
At first, he made up some story about dropping a milk carton, but eventually, the truth came out. He was adamant sponge mops don’t get the floor nearly as clean as string mops.
It was also revealed he had been re-vacuuming the rugs right after I had because I only went in one direction when vacuuming, but two perpendicular swipes, he insisted, were required to ensure carpet cleanliness.
It took less than two minutes for me to swallow my pride and realize that if Dave did most of the housecleaning, I would be free to pursue other endeavors such as tap dancing, learning Italian, and writing the great American novel.
The only chore I insisted upon sole ownership of was — cleaning the refrigerator.
I’ve always enjoyed cooking and baking but was often frustrated when I couldn’t find what I needed in the fridge because Dave was forever cleaning and reorganizing in there.
Science experiments
Also, to be perfectly honest, I’ve always liked science too and really enjoy conducting “experiments” now and then.
You know the kind. You’ve probably done them yourself. You leave the glob of Grey Poupon right where it spilled, hide it behind the butter dish, then see how long it takes for interesting mold formations to grow.
Or, you place that carton of yogurt which expired in 1992 inside an empty Tab can to find out if it really will explode someday as promised by that authoritative-sounding guy on YouTube.
As part of our agreement, Dave has mandated I clean out the refrigerator at least once a year — even if I don’t think it needs it — and today’s the day.
And there you have it, the reason why I am feeling less than chipper right now and why, after glancing out the window and seeing a State Board of Health truck in the driveway, I need to sign off immediately to attend to my chore.
Linda Kelly is a member of Blessed Sacrament Parish in Madison.