Jean Mueller – Madison Catholic Herald

Q Our family is very small, just my brother and me. “Roger” is younger and always seemed to have trouble keeping a job. The result is he has lived at home all of his life. He is in his 40s.

My concern is that he is heavily dependent on my mom — dad died a few years ago. Mom is 73 years old and has the means to support him for now, but her health is changing, and I am worried that she will not have enough to provide for her own needs because she always puts his needs first.

He recently accompanied her to the bank and had his name placed on her checks so he can write checks for her. He stated it was to make it easier for mom. I think he is going to help himself to her money. Mom seems to trust that he will be responsible.

Is this financial abuse? And, what are the options to change this?

(From a son in Sauk City)

A This is a great question about a very difficult situation.

On July 17, 2014

Jean Mueller

How much information can be shared?

Q A while back there was a question related to how much information an agency can share with family members about the care they were providing for the mother.

I would like a bit more information about that, because I really don’t understand what the big deal is. If we, as family members, aren’t told about things that are not going well for our parents, how will we know?

(From a daughter in De Forest)

A I really appreciate these kinds of questions, because I think there is a lot of confusion about the roles different entities play in regard to elder support.

I also acknowledge the variety of interpretations of “privacy matters” within the various supportive organizations. So let’s try and break this down and give you some rationale behind these actions.

On June 19, 2014

Jean Mueller

Living a meaningful life

Q I am concerned about my mother. She is in her mid 80s and recently moved to an apartment for older adults — at the strong suggestion of her children. The reason is we thought that she would love to make new friends, get involved in some of the activities they hold, go on some of the outings, and in general be more active and involved. So far, she has not ventured out of her apartment without a family member with her. I wonder if this was a mistake.

(From a daughter in Madison)

On March 27, 2014

Jean Mueller

Power of Attorney for Health Care: what it means

Q My brother and I are hoping you can shed some light on this.

Our 89-year-old mother lives in an assisted living facility in Dane County. Although it is expensive, I think she is getting good care and this is the best option for her.

She has been there for the last six months and has made some friends, but mostly it is the care we were looking for, as there are no options for her to live with either of my two brothers or me and she can not live independently.

The issue is my older brother, who is her Power of Attorney for Health Care. He frequently asks the staff to do things for mom that she can do on her own. He feels she is paying for care and that means the staff should do everything for her. I think mom needs to continue to do things for herself that she can do — that this will give her some purpose. But, as the Power of Attorney, does he “hold the power” over everything related to mom’s care? (from a son in Portage)

On January 15, 2014

Jean Mueller

Helping aging parents

Q: In this new year I have decided to be more “present” for my parents.

By that, I mean I want to relieve any anxiety they may have about their advancing age.

I know about things like helping them physically with yard work or home repairs, but what are some things I need to know about in order to help them live their lives the way they wish?

I have heard about living wills and power of attorney, but I am not sure if they know about this or if they have these things prepared. Where do I begin? (From a son in Black Earth)

On December 11, 2013

Jean Mueller

Learning to deal with the effects of Alzheimer’s

Q: My parents are in their late 70s and live in a rural community close by.

There are several siblings all involved in supporting mom and dad and we are all on the same page with regard to keeping them happy and living in their own home.

Dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease about two years ago and mom has taken on more and more responsibility for the day-to-day household management.

Generally speaking, they are doing as well as could be expected and the family is always ready to help.

The problems is that one of my dad’s “hobbies” was to gamble. It was never anything extreme. Twice a month mom and dad would go to one of the casinos and he would gamble a certain amount of money.

It never got out of hand until recently. They still like to go because it is something they can do together but the last time they went he would not stop gambling. Mom had a very difficult time getting him out of there. He lost over $200. Mom was frightened and did not know what to do without causing a scene. She finally got him to leave by telling him they had to get back home because someone was coming for dinner. It really frightened her and she does not want to go back.

Dad is already asking to go back to the casino. Is there any safe way he could still do this without risking a behavioral melt-down and losing their savings? (from a son in Sun Prairie.)

On November 20, 2013

Jean Mueller

Holiday traditions sometimes need to be changed

Q: This is my least favorite time of year. I want to look forward to the holidays, but I dread them.

It just brings up memories of the gatherings we used to have but no longer can. My parents are still living, but dad has a type of dementia and mom has a bad heart along with many other medical conditions. They are now in an assisted living facility.

My siblings all make it a point to come home for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but honestly it causes so much stress I wonder if it is worth it. It is just not the same and I think it makes mom feel bad that she can no longer host the traditional gathering.

My siblings are very set in their ways and don’t want to give up the appearance of a happy family celebration, even though it is far from happy for any of us.

How can I help my family realize we need to change the way we celebrate these holidays? (from a daughter in Cross Plains).

On October 24, 2013

Jean Mueller

Helping a person through grief can be challenging

Q: I am trying to respect my father’s choices but it is so hard.

We lost my mother last year so he is alone. Since her death he refuses to think about moving to a smaller home or apartment even though he can barely keep up with things.

He is alone much of the time and will not accept help from friends, family, church, or anyone else.

He says he is not depressed but he certainly does not act like he is ready to move on. Is there anything I can do? (From a son in Deerfield).

On September 19, 2013

Jean Mueller

Keeping seniors safe in their homes

Q: I feel as though I am at an impasse with my parents. They are both in frail health — heart disease, arthritis, difficulty getting around, breathing problems — I could go on forever.

They live in a large two story home with the bedrooms and one bathroom upstairs. Neither one of them can climb stairs very well.

It is not the best setting for them in my opinion. I worry about them and try to check on them as often as possible but frankly I can’t get over there all the time. They are not asking for help — I just don’t want to walk in and find a disaster some day.

They will not spend any money on repairs or updates to make living there easier and they will not even consider moving to a more accessible or supportive living environment. Do I just let them stay and risk injury or is there a way I can force the subject? (From a son in Waunakee).

On August 22, 2013

Jean Mueller

Recognizing depression affecting a senior citizen

Q: Both of my parents are alive, and in their late 80s. They have some physical health issues, nothing major, and I am grateful that they are still mobile and able to live independently.

My issue is with my dad’s emotional health. He sleeps almost all day. He gets up to eat and then returns to bed or to his chair and naps. He has lost interest in gardening, helping around the house, and doesn’t even seem to want to go out or do anything.

My mother feels it is just his age and doesn’t expect him to help with anything. She does not want to force the issue. I say he is depressed but my mom doesn’t want to do anything about it. It is sad to see him sleeping away — should we force him to see a doctor? (From a son in Monona.)