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Q My siblings and I are working together to help my father who is in his 80s and living in the family home.
We have decided to do as much as we can to help him live out his years in the home he loves. The issue is that we are now four months into this and we are having some major disagreements about what it means to support him.
My sister feels we need to do everything for him — cleaning, laundry, errands, and cooking. She even thinks we need to be there when he gets up and gets dressed in the morning.
I am more inclined to give assistance in specific areas, but not take on all tasks. We have a third sibling, my brother, who does not offer an opinion. He just says, “Let me know what I should do, and I will do it.”
This sounded like a good idea at first but frankly I did not anticipate all of the time and energy it takes. Now I feel like we are taking things away from dad that he might like to do. I also don’t want to cause hard feelings between my siblings and me. Do you have any suggestions? (From a daughter in Platteville)
A This happens more often than you might think.
Our good intentions and offers of assistance are made out of love and care, then reality sets in and we find that we may have over-committed.
I know from my own experience that when we offer assistance, we are not thinking about our existing schedules. We tell ourselves that we will work it out, somehow.
Without knowing the specifics of the situation or anything about your father’s overall health, I will offer some general ideas:
Parent input
Your father may have some reservations about all of his children assisting with all of these tasks. What specifically does he want all of you to do?
If he asked for some assistance in specific areas, that is where you should concentrate your efforts. If you and your siblings offered to help and then chose what you would do, you may be taking things away from him that he still wants and can do independently.
Having a purpose each and every day contributes to our self worth and self esteem. We all need a reason to get up in the morning and despite the fact that your father’s age is advanced, he may still want and need to perform some of his own household and self- care tasks.
Present situation
I would begin by asking how the present arrangement is working for him. Let him know that he should be honest. If he is content with all of you assisting, then that turns the conversation to you and your siblings.
If you create a list of the tasks that need to be accomplished along with the frequency of each task, you will have a visual guide.
The next step is for each of you to select the task(s) you are able to accomplish. This will require all of you to be honest with your availability.
It is also a good idea for you and your siblings to set a time frame for this. That way each of you knows you are responsible for this task for the next month or two — then the responsibilities change.
Creating that timeline will help you and your siblings navigate the emotional side of providing this assistance. You will understand that this will not be “forever.”
Despite the difficulties, assisting your father is an act of love and one that you and your siblings will never regret. I wish you all of the best!
Jean Mueller has been a registered nurse for over 30 years. Her experience includes working in home care settings, skilled nursing care, and training individuals to become certified nursing assistants. For the past 13 years she has worked in the Aging Services department of the Diocese of Madison Catholic Charities. Questions for the “Ask Jean” column may be sent to Jean Mueller at jmueller@ccmadison.org