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Q My husband and I are traveling to his parents’ home for the Christmas holiday. We are not sure what to expect. His parents are both in their mid-80s and we have not seen them for several months as we live on the East Coast.
My husband is an only child so we rely mostly on phone calls with his parents to inform us of their well-being. Each time we speak they assure us they are fine but it seems that our conversations have become less detailed. We have also noticed that they often repeat the same information during our conversations.
We are not familiar with any of their neighbors so we have not been able to ask anyone to check on them for us.
We are both concerned about what we will encounter when we get there. My question is, what are some things we should be looking for? If we do discover there are areas of concern, then what? (From a daughter-in-law in Connecticut).
A This is a common concern that often arises when families gather after being apart for longer periods of time. First, be assured that your in-laws will do their very best to relieve any concerns you might have.
For the most part, parents do not want to cause their children unnecessary worry or stress and to do that they may minimize areas of their lives that could be better.
You mentioned a couple of things that caught my attention.
Conversations
First, you said conversations with your in-laws have become less detailed. When you are with them, notice if this continues or if it is a kind of conversation style that is used on the phone. When you are having a face-to-face conversation, you might ask for details about a certain topic and see if this generalizing continues.
For example, you might ask about the specifics of a recent event and notice the response. If an individual is experiencing memory issues, one of the things they often do is to eliminate the details and generalize information.
The other thing you mentioned is the repetition. This happens to many of us occasionally, but when it happens with more regularity, it may be a sign of something that should be evaluated. It may not automatically mean they have a type of dementia; it could be medication interactions, insufficient nutrition, or even lack of social stimulation.
Being observant
Your challenge on the visit is to keep it a visit and not turn it into an investigation.
To start, you might have a conversation about their activities. If you keep the questions to a minimum and make them non-threatening, it is easier to learn about their daily routines.
You may want to quietly notice some things around the home that will inform you of their day-to-day life.
Look at the condition of the home — are there items that need repair that have been neglected? Next look at the refrigerator and notice the specific food items.
When my own mother was beginning to have more health issues, she relied on the same food items because they were easy to prepare. That meant she was not getting a good variety of foods and lacked fresh fruits and vegetables.
What is their social calendar like? Do they get together with friends? Do they get to Mass? If you identify some things, your next step is to have a conversation with them about these concerns.
If they admit to having some struggles, you might ask if you could assist them identify some in-home supportive services that would allow them to remain in their current place.
A good place to start is by contacting the Aging and Disability Resource Center for the county in which they reside. Search under “Aging and Disability Resource Center” and then enter the name of the county. This will connect you with social services that can help identify services most appropriate for their situation.
Lastly, please remember to enjoy your time with them and celebrate the fact that you have them in your lives.
Jean Mueller has been a registered nurse for over 30 years. Her experience includes working in home care settings, skilled nursing care, and training individuals to become certified nursing assistants. For the past 13 years she has worked in the Aging Services department of the Diocese of Madison Catholic Charities. Questions for the “Ask Jean” column may be sent to Jean Mueller at jmueller@ccmadison.org