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Q My father-in-law recently experienced some health concerns.
As a family member I wanted to offer support and assist in any way I could. I offered to sit with my mother-in-law as she spent endless hours in the hospital, bring a meal over, or help with some chores around the house.
It is not that my offers were ignored, my mother-in-law just politely said, “Thank you so much for the offer, but I am fine.”
I may have been over-reacting but I felt as though I was being pushed away. I am confused by this as it was a very stressful time and all I wanted to do was offer some help.
Is there a different way I should have offered?
(From a confused daughter-in-law in Waunakee)
A I have a close acquaintance who had a similar experience.
Earlier this year her husband experienced some health issues.
My friend said she put everything on hold and rearranged schedules so she could be with him and support him. She shared information with her family but also minimized her fears and anxiety as much as possible.
She later admitted that she did not want her children to worry about things.
Stress is factor
Parents, for the most part, never want to add stress to the lives of their children and extended families.
She told me she did her best to assure the children and families that she could take care of everything.
When others offered some assistance she politely answered the same way your mother-in-law did, “Thank you very much, but we will be fine. You take care of your job and family and I will let you know what is happening.”
She shared that after things began to improve and her husband became more stable, she realized that she could have benefitted from the assistance and support her children and in-laws offered. She admitted she felt fully responsible for protecting the family from added worries and stress.
Family involvement
But what she did not realize was that she was denying the family the ability to be involved in the care of someone they loved and wanted to support.
There are many times when individuals are thrust into the role of caregiving, they assume all the responsibility for the well-being of not only the care receiver, but the entire family.
In an effort to minimize the added stress of the situation onto family members, what happens is the caregiver denies others the opportunity to be part of the process.
Thankfully her family did not fully obey her requests. Once the situation began to improve, they arrived at the house and cleaned, they brought meals over, and they visited every day when the family member was in the hospital.
Needed support
My friend admitted it felt so good to have that kind of support and her level of stress diminished because she realized she was not doing this alone.
So, my advice to you is not to ask for permission to be supportive, just show up. Do what you can to help and be there. I am betting your mother-in-law will really appreciate it.
Jean Mueller has been a registered nurse for over 30 years. Her experience includes working in home care settings, skilled nursing care, and training individuals to become certified nursing assistants. For the past 13 years she has worked in the Aging Services department of the Diocese of Madison Catholic Charities. Questions for the “Ask Jean” column may be sent to Jean Mueller at jmueller@ccmadison.org