Q I am writing because I don’t know what to do about my brother.
He is in his 50s and lives with our mom who is well into her 70s. He is completely dependent on her for financial help.”Doug” has never been able to hold a job longer than a few months. He drinks heavily so I am not surprised that he can’t keep a job.
My mom feels sorry for him and states that he was never the same after he returned from military duty.
The issue is that if, or when, something happens to mom and she can no longer support him, I am not willing to pick up where she left off. I believe he is more capable than she thinks and I don’t want to become the next enabler.
Are there any resources you know of that could help us? (From a daughter in Sun Prairie)A I am so sorry for all of this! It has to be so hard to see your mom and your brother in this relationship.
I am not an expert in this area, but I have seen instances where some family members become overly dependent on one another.
It happens more often than you might think, so you are not alone.
Not only is your brother depending on your mom, she may be depending on him in other ways.
From what you shared it may be that she feels very guilty about what he has gone through and giving him financial support is her way of making up for that. His drinking may be his way of coping.
Since you mentioned that he was in the military, I wonder if he has reached out to the VA.
They have a variety of services and could evaluate him for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
If that is part of the issue, he may be able to receive some treatment.
My first suggestion is to have an open and honest conversation with your mother. Let her know you understand what she is doing to support your brother and that she obviously loves him very much, but allowing the dependence is not in his best interest.
Has your mother thought about the future? For example, what does she think will occur when she is no longer here and he is looking for someone else to support him? If you and your mother begin taking some small steps now, you could help him be successful and independent in his life.
If he is not willing to identify or change any of his behaviors, you may need to be the one that will need to step up.
Al-Anon is an organization that follows the Twelve Step Program similar to Alcoholics Anonymous. They offer families of problem drinkers help and support through family group meetings.
Hearing how other individuals have coped with similar problems might help you find some ways to address your situation that have not been previously attempted.
You never know, someone might offer a suggestion that becomes the motivation to spark some change.
Jean Mueller has been a registered nurse for over 30 years. Her experience includes working in home care settings, skilled nursing care, and training individuals to become certified nursing assistants. For the past 13 years, she has worked in the Aging Services department of the Madison Diocese Catholic Charities.