Q. I am getting ready for my annual trip out east to spend time with my mother over the holidays.
Mom is in her 80s and it is getting more and more difficult for her to do everything — yet she insists on keeping up all of the old traditions and will not allow any of us to help.
By the time I leave she is exhausted and I am stressed and feeling guilty. Is there any way to convince her all the “fuss” is not necessary, without hurting her feelings?
(A daughter in Dodgeville)
A. Holiday traditions are held as sacred in many families. It is the one thing that can bring families together to remember past times and focus on more joyous events.
For that reason many are reluctant to give up all of the nostalgia that comes with the gathering.
It is not just the act of getting together, it is the meaning behind the event and certainly as we age, those memories take on a whole new significance.
I would approach this as a “teachable moment.” In other words, let your mom know how much you appreciate her efforts and how much it means to keep the traditions going, but in order to keep the tradition going, she needs to teach you or some other willing family member how to maintain the tradition along with the significance behind it.
Instead of her doing all of the cooking, ask her to teach you how to make the famous dish (in our family it was my mom’s stuffing), or volunteer to do some other task that is deemed important to the event.
That will allow your mom to relax a bit and hand over the responsibilities while maintaining the tradition. After all, traditions are meant to be passed on; that is what makes them so special!
Jean Mueller has been a registered nurse for over 30 years. Her experience includes working in home care settings, skilled nursing care, and training individuals to become certified nursing assistants. For the past 13 years she has worked in the Aging Services department of the Madison Diocese Catholic Charities. Questionsfor the “Ask Jean” column may be sent to Jean Mueller at jmueller@ccmadison.org