Q My mother lives in northern Illinois. This is home, where we grew up. My mom is in her late 80s, dad died several years ago. My mother gave up the family home and moved into an apartment and has been doing okay, but recently she has been telling me how she is losing so many of her friends. She feels alone.
I am thinking about asking her to move in with me. My brother and sister live in California and Georgia and I know she would not want to live in either of those states.
I wonder if living with me would help her feel less lonely and help me feel less guilty about not always being there for her. (From a daughter in Wausau).
A It is clear that you want what is best for your mother and that is admirable, but there are many things to consider before moving her.
I have met several parents who moved in with their adult children for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.
The most successful moves happen because all parties involved realize it is a positive experience with everyone, understanding there will be up’s and down’s, but respecting the other person’s boundaries.
The not so successful moves are when a well intentioned family member arrives to save the day and takes mom or dad from their remaining friends, neighborhood, and routine only to leave them alone all day in a neighborhood where they do not know anyone, have nothing to do, and end up feeling even more isolated.
Some things to think about are:
- Will you be there every day with your mom, or will she be alone all day while you and your family are at work or school?
- What does your area offer in terms of support for seniors? Can she attend activities at a senior center if she is interested?
- What about changing doctors, dentists, and other heath care professionals?
- Is she willing to establish new relationships with health care providers?
There are many questions to consider along with your mom before a move such as this.
You might ask your mom what she would like in an ideal situation. Then you might bring up the idea of moving in with you for a short period of time, say a few months. That way both of you can see what it would be like to live together without making a permanent decision. It will help you both identify the positives and the negatives of living together.
We all feel a responsibility to assure our aging family members are comfortable, cared for, and content. The fact that you are concerned and want what is best for your mother is important to acknowledge, but be ready to accept her decision if it is to stay in her familiar community.
Do you have a question? Questions for the “Ask Jean” column may be sent to Jean Mueller at jmueller@ccmadison.org
Jean Mueller has been a registered nurse for over 30 years. Her experience includes working in home care settings, skilled nursing care, and training individuals to become certified nursing assistants. For the past 13 years she has worked in the Aging Services department of the Madison Diocese Catholic Charities.