Q. I am becoming more and more concerned that my mom is not doing well.
She has lost many of her friends and when we speak I think there may be some depression going on.
I live on the West coast and can’t be there to actually see what is happening. What can I do? How do I get mom to accept help? (From daughter in San Francisco, Calif.)
A. Your concerns are very legitimate. Losses can be very hard to deal with especially as we get older and have fewer options to replace the loss.
Your parent may be realizing that this will become more the norm than the exception. Your parent is very blessed to have a concerned family member such as yourself.
Asking your parent if they are feeling okay is not really going to give you a good answer.
They will most likely minimize the way they are feeling because they don’t want to worry you or they may feel if they told you how sad they feel you might think they need to be “placed” somewhere- such as an assisted living or nursing home.
Convey your concern. You can say something like, “Mom, lately when we talk it seems like you are not feeling well, and that you are not doing the things you used to do that made you feel happy. I am worried that you might be feeling sad about the loss of your friends.
“Since I can’t be there myself to help you, can we call someone for you to talk to?”
“I heard the local senior center has case managers who can come out to the house and talk to you about many different things. I would be happy to call for you — could I do that? Even if you don’t think it is necessary, would you please do this for me?”
In my experience, I have found that most parents want to do all they can to minimize the stress their children feel.
Letting your parent know that your concern is coming from a place of love will help them accept the situation and take steps to improve it.
Jean Mueller has been a registered nurse for over 30 years. Her experience includes working in home care settings, skilled nursing care, and training individuals to become certified nursing assistants. For the past 13 years she has worked in the Aging Services department of the Madison Diocese Catholic Charities. Questionsfor the “Ask Jean” column may be sent to Jean Mueller at jmueller@ccmadison.org