Every February, “National Marriage Week” (this year from February 7 to 14) invites us to reflect on the importance of marriage and its fundamental role in building up society.
It also highlights that marriage has less to do with the wedding day, and more to do with the daily commitment and sacrifice that come afterward.
Given both its importance and demanding nature, then, perhaps we should focus on marriage for more than one week each year!
Like many things, that’s easier said than done. Even as we keep on doing what we can to support marriage as an institution, however, we can all also take a little more time to focus on our own marriages.
If you’re anything like my wife and me, once “life” catches up with you (with everything implied by that small word), years can slip by without you paying much attention to the deeper parts of your married relationship.
Logistics are important, of course, but those discussions don’t do much to fill us up or strengthen our love.
At this point, we’re just barely into the New Year, so if you’re looking to build a new habit, why not focus on strengthening your marriage? Here are three practical tips for doing so:
1. Find time for a regular check-in
Every Thursday night after the kids are in bed, my wife Caitlin and I turn down the lights (partly for ambiance, but probably more for the sake of not seeing all the undone chores), pour ourselves a drink, and sit down for a conversation that goes deeper than grocery shopping, kids activities, and upcoming work obligations.
I think she’d agree with me that the most important part of this time together is the beginning: Opening with prayer, and then honoring and thanking each other for all the ways that we’ve tried to serve and support one another and our kids.
Although sometimes the things that we mention are more heroic, it’s usually the simple stuff: Doing the laundry and dishes; giving each other time for prayer, exercise, and socializing with friends; or feeling supported during a busy or stressful time at work.
If there’s a tendency for us to focus on what’s wrong with this picture (thanks, Original Sin), this exercise of honoring each other instead helps us to see what’s right with this picture.
2. Talk about stuff that matters
As good as it is to honor each other, don’t stop there.
Remember when you and your spouse first started dating or got engaged?
There’s so much excitement during that phase of a relationship, when we’re still getting to know each other and when every new thing we learn is just another reason to love that person (until marriage unmasks some of those “cute” habits).
But regardless of how long you’ve been married, you can still learn more! Each person is a “mystery,” in the sense that there’s always more to discover.
Try to recover the sense of wonder that you had in the beginning, and ask those deeper, more meaningful questions that can help you to understand and appreciate who your spouse is.
Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist who has spent years conducting research on married couples, calls this process “enhancing your love map.”
In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he lists 60 questions to answer, but there’s a catch.
Before asking these questions of your spouse, you can get a sense of where you’re at (and have some fun) by first trying to answer them on his or her behalf. Here are just a few examples:
- What personal improvements do I want to make in my life?
- What was one of my best childhood experiences?
- What do I fear the most?
- What was my most embarrassing moment?
- Who is my greatest source of support (other than you)?
- Name two of the people I most admire.
- Do I have a secret ambition? What is it?
- What stresses am I facing right now?
Of course, the possibilities for questions are endless, but I hope this short list gets you thinking about how you can connect more deeply with your spouse in your next conversation.
3. Have some fun together
Taking time for dialogue is essential. If you don’t, you might find that, after 15 or 20 years of marriage, you no longer know each other. In other words, your “love map” can get out of date!
Just as important as those deeper conversations, however, are times of simply having fun together.
Again, if you look back to the beginning, that’s probably how your relationship began.
Of course, with new responsibilities at work, the inevitable logistics that come with children, and myriad other things, it’s tough to find time.
But if you think back over the previous year, which memories stand out?
You probably can’t remember all of the school concerts or kids’ basketball games you attended, but I bet you know what you did for spring break, or where you went on summer vacation.
We remember and cherish unique moments, precisely because they’re unique! They stand out from the routine — which, I should say, is good in its own way.
In our current season of life, my wife Caitlin and I struggle to go out even once a month. But we’re committed to doing it more this year, and we hope you’ll do the same! Here are a few ideas, but again, the possibilities are endless.
- Taking dance lessons
- Cooking a multi-course meal together
- Going for a run/bike ride through the Arboretum (or some other scenic area)
- Glass-blowing (Believe it or not, we actually did this.)
- Rock climbing
- Going to a show or concert
- Ice skating/sledding/cross-country skiing
- Playing a game (Be careful, though! Scrabble almost ruined our marriage . . . )
- Taking a nighttime walk under the stars
- Sharing a single piece of bread (Sorry, Valentine’s Day is Ash Wednesday this year.)
Don’t wait to take care of your marriage
Like so many other things in life, we can tell ourselves that we don’t have the time right now.
Building a habit of exercise, eating right, praying every day . . . unfortunately, we all know what happens when we don’t prioritize those things.
So, ask yourself: What’s most important to me? What are the non-negotiables on my calendar? And if your marriage doesn’t make the cut . . . well, maybe it should!
Blessings to all of you during this “National Marriage Week” and in the year to come.
We’re always here to help you out in whatever ways we can.
Your friendly Marriage and Family team: Matt, Beth, and Amy