Has a loved one or friend ever asked you, “Does God want me to stay in an unhappy marriage?”
This is a complex question and often deals with unique situations.
How are we to respond?
First, a word of hope.
In my years working for the diocese and in my personal life, I have helped several married couples reconcile after a breakdown in their relationship.
The road to reconciliation can be bumpy, but lending support to the couple is not only extremely helpful but is also our duty as their Christian brother or sister.
And let me tell you that the joy the couple (and their entire family and community) feels once the couple has reconciled is beyond incredible and always worth the somewhat uncomfortable feelings we may experience from sticking our neck out to bring up the topic in the first place.
But still, the question remains: How exactly are we to respond?
I suggest that we start by reminding ourselves what our Catholic faith tells us about marriage before getting into a conversation with the couple.
Having a firm understanding of what marriage is will help us to first understand the precious value of marriage.
So, what is marriage?
Marriage is a covenant, that is, a binding of persons together beyond a mere contractual or civil agreement, by which a man and a woman establish between themselves a partnership for the whole of life, ordered by its nature to the good of the spouses and the procreation and education of offspring.
It is brought about through the consent of the man and woman, and this union is indissoluble.
This is in fidelity to Jesus’ teaching in the Gospel of Matthew: “What God has joined together, let no man separate” (Mt 19:6).
From this, we know that the marriage bond that arises between two Baptized persons can never be broken except through death.
This is a difficult teaching, but it is attainable with the grace received from the Sacrament of Marriage itself and with the definitive and irrevocable love of Christ for the Church that sustains and supports married couples.
It is also good to remember that the permanence of marriage is one of St. Augustine’s tria bona — it is a GOOD thing!
It brings security to the couple, and it creates a sense of freedom knowing that spouses have a lifelong partner to love and cherish them regardless of the changes of life and challenges they may face.
Next, we will want to reflect on why people get married in the first place.
In fact, the reason for why we do anything is because we think it will make us happy!
Without question, marriage does contribute to our flourishing, but to speak only in terms of happiness might cause us to miss the deeper point.
So, what is happiness in the first place?
Is it about my own satisfaction, “getting what I want,” fulfilling my hopes and ambitions?
If we take that angle, we quickly run into trouble.
Besides, have you ever done something, thinking it would make you happy, only to find out that it did just the opposite?
For instance, having that second (or third) helping at Thanksgiving, binging on the latest season of your favorite TV show . . .
Instead — and rather paradoxically — true happiness comes from self-gift.
Or, in the words of Vatican II: Because we share in the image and likeness of God, who is a communion of Persons united in self-emptying love, “Man, who is the only creature on earth which God willed for itself, cannot fully find himself except through a sincere gift of himself.”
That idea is as terrifying as it is beautiful!
So, marriage does contribute to a person’s happiness . . . but maybe not in the way they expected.
Calling the spouses out of themselves and lovingly challenging them to give themselves away in love to their spouse every day will help them find their true self and experience the authentic joy of self-gift.
What about when the communication or friendship between the spouses breaks down?
What if there is abuse in the relationship?
Let us look to the Catechism of the Catholic Church for the answer.
The Catholic Church acknowledges that there are some legitimate reasons for separation and even civil divorce.
Examples include “Adultery, mental danger to the spouse or offspring, physical danger to the spouse or offspring” (CCC 1152-1153).
Moreover,“If civil divorce remains the only possible way of ensuring certain legal rights, the care of the children, or the protection of inheritance, it can be tolerated and does not constitute a moral offense” (CCC 2383).
However, because the bond of marriage between Baptized persons can never be broken, even those who physically separate or civilly divorce do not cease to be husband and wife before God.
Therefore, even after separation and civil divorce, if there is no danger to the spouse or the children, they are exhorted to work toward reconciliation.
How can our Catholic faith help our loved ones in these situations?
St. John Paul II captured it well when he said, “As Mother, the Church is close to the many married couples who find themselves in difficulty . . . she knows well their situation, which is often very arduous and at times truly tormented by difficulties of every kind . . . there is no doubt that these conditions must include persistence and patience, humility and strength of mind, filial trust in God and His grace, and frequent recourse to prayer and the Sacraments of the Eucharist and of Reconciliation” (Familiaris Consortio, §33).
In addition to these conditions, the couple could also seek out spiritual guidance from their pastor and, if needed, the support of a marriage counselor.
The diocese maintains a list of several wonderful resources for couples in these situations, including retreats, book recommendations, and online resources.
Lastly, what other duties do we have to our loved ones in these situations?
Charity obliges us to extend support and love to abandoned or aggrieved spouses, to offer a listening ear, to seek to learn what burdens could be lightened for them, and to pray with them and for them.
You have an important role to play in supporting couples as they navigate the path of reconciliation for their marriage and family.
St. John Paul II declared, “To bear witness to the inestimable value of the indissolubility and fidelity of marriage is one of the most precious and most urgent tasks of Christian couples in our time” (FC, §20).
When reaching out to a couple, I urge you to pray to the Holy Spirit and let Him guide you, and make sure you let the couple know that you support their reconciliation.
Your encouragement will be an incredible gift to them and pleasing to God!
For more information and resources, visit our webpage www.madisondiocese.org/separated
Amy Klarkowski is the Pre-Petition Case Advisor for the Diocese of Madison Tribunal.