Q As a follow-up to your column last month, I am a long distance caregiver as well.
Although my mother tells me repeatedly that she is doing well, I need some specific things to look for when I visit her later this month.
What should I notice to give me a better idea for how well she is caring for herself? (From a daughter in Beloit)
A Thank you for the question! I bet there are several adult children looking for some guidance on this topic. I have a list of ten things to look for:
√ Weight. Is his/her weight stable? Is the refrigerator full of leftovers? Do you see the same things on the grocery list over and over? (An early sign that my own mother was beginning to decline was her grocery list. Each week she requested the same food items: Toaster Strudel™ and chicken tenders from the deli. When we opened the freezer, we found several unopened packages of Toaster Strudel™.)
√ A decline in housekeeping. Is mail or other correspondence piling up? Are items dusty or looking neglected?
√ Do you notice any bruises? This may be a sign that your parent is falling and not admitting it to you.
√ You notice a dent or dents in the car. If you ask your parent about them, he/she tells you they have no idea how they got there.
√ Momentary confusion. Your parent may tell you he/she got confused or lost while driving. Often they will blame others for accidents.
√ Personal cleanliness. You notice the clothing he/she is wearing is soiled or that the outfit does not match when your parent used to be a meticulous dresser. You may also notice body odors.
√ A dark house. Your parent sits in the same chair in a dark room watching television. They cannot tell you when they last visited a neighbor. Your parent may even sleep in a recliner or favorite chair.
√ They have emotional outbursts. Are they suspicious that someone is stealing from them or trying to hurt them?
√ They have made some uncharacteristic financial decisions. They may suddenly give money to a charity or make unusual purchases.
√ Forgetfulness. You find medications that have been missed, or doctor appointments that were forgotten.
These observations are a starting point.
You know your mother best, so if there are areas of concern, it is time to have a conversation with her about what you have noticed.
If you approach the topic with love and compassion, and not put your mother on the defensive, you are more likely to gain better insight into her situation.
She may be trying to put on a strong front so you will not worry about her. Giving her the opportunity to be honest with you might be a great relief. Good Luck!
Jean Mueller has been a registered nurse for over 30 years. Her experience includes working in home care settings, skilled nursing care, and training individuals to become certified nursing assistants. For the past 13 years, she has worked in the Aging Services department of the Madison Diocese Catholic Charities.