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Question: I think this may have come up before, but I am wondering if there are some guidelines for choosing where to move when being at home is no longer an option.
My father is ready to move out of the family home. He admits he cannot keep up with maintenance and chores and since my mother passed away, he feels he is just occupying an empty space.
My siblings and I are so grateful he feels this way and want to support him as best we can. He does have some health issues and we have wondered if he is depressed or if he might have some memory issues because of some things he has been forgetting.
Being in a place with others around him would be so good but in light of his health we wonder if we should look at an apartment or something more structured like an assisted living facility?
He tells us that he does not want us to bother with him and he will be fine wherever he moves. We don’t want to end up making a decision for him and have him suffer some unpleasant consequences. Any thoughts or guidance would be appreciated. (From a family in Beloit).
Answer: You and your siblings are indeed in a fortunate situation because of your father’s attitude; however, I do want to caution you about several things.
This is your father’s life and as much as he does not want anyone to spend time worrying about him, he has to be part of the decision.
Medical examination
Before you even begin to discuss any aspect of moving, I would suggest a very thorough medical examination.
You did not mention when your mother passed away but it is very possible he is grieving her loss and is feeling depressed or despondent. If that is the case, this is not the time to make important decisions.
If he is depressed, a move might deepen his feelings and lead to more complications. I urge you and your siblings to make this a priority.
A thorough examination will include a physical and a mental examination. A screening for depression and dementia should be included.
When this has been completed, you, your siblings, and your father will have a better picture of the situation and that will lead to an informed decision about the future.
If there are signs of dementia, your decision may be based on future needs v. his current condition. This may lead to a more structured facility instead of an independent living environment.
The important element is to include your father in the steps along the way.
Living options
Together, you may want to tour a variety of living options which includes all options from independent living to assisted living.
There are some communities that offer assistance with certain living tasks.
This can include the option to have meals and cleaning services included with your rent all the way to health monitoring and personal care assistance.
These wonderful options help individuals maintain that sense of community living while receiving the amount of assistance that is appropriate for them.
After you have completed the physical and have the information needed to move forward, you may want to contact the Aging and Disability Resource Center (ADRC) in Rock County for a list of apartments and assisted living facilities. They are located at 1900 Center Ave., in Janesville. The phone number is 608-741-3600 or 855-741-3600.
If you are not looking for a facility in Rock County, the ADRC will be able to give you the contact information for the county in which you are conducting your search.
With the concern and compassion you have expressed, your father is in good hands! All the best.
Jean Mueller has been a registered nurse for over 30 years. Her experience includes working in home care settings, skilled nursing care, and training individuals to become certified nursing assistants. For the past 13 years she has worked in the Aging Services department of the Diocese of Madison Catholic Charities. Questions for the “Ask Jean” column may be sent to Jean Mueller at jmueller@ccmadison.org