Q: This is my least favorite time of year. I want to look forward to the holidays, but I dread them.
It just brings up memories of the gatherings we used to have but no longer can. My parents are still living, but dad has a type of dementia and mom has a bad heart along with many other medical conditions. They are now in an assisted living facility.
My siblings all make it a point to come home for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but honestly it causes so much stress I wonder if it is worth it. It is just not the same and I think it makes mom feel bad that she can no longer host the traditional gathering.
My siblings are very set in their ways and don’t want to give up the appearance of a happy family celebration, even though it is far from happy for any of us.
How can I help my family realize we need to change the way we celebrate these holidays? (from a daughter in Cross Plains).
A: This happens every year. The holidays resurrect memories of family gatherings and the ideal celebration.
Lots of advertisers want us to hold on to those traditions no matter what.
It sounds like your siblings are trying to do the right thing and that they care. That is good.
The thing we often forget is that we show our love for others through the things we do each and every day, not just during the holidays. You are probably right in that holding on to this family tradition is causing stress to your mother and your father is probably feeling some level of uneasiness even if he cannot express it.
Many times families are in love with the idea of the usual family gathering. Has your mother made any comments about this? If so that can be an opening to a conversation about change.
I bet if the idea came from her, your siblings would respect it. You might bring up the subject next time you are with your mother. Simply say, “Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming fast. Do you have any thoughts about what we might do this year?”
Then, give your mother permission to change the tradition. She may be holding onto the past because she thinks it is what the family expects.
An example would be to suggest gathering at a restaurant for brunch — if it is not too overly stimulating for your father.
If the assisted living facility has a “family dining room,” it might be possible to reserve the space and order a prepared meal. Several area grocery stores offer this and it is a great way to enjoy the meal without the fuss of preparing it.
Creating new traditions can be fun and inject some new energy into the gatherings. The goal is to create memories, not to hold on to things that no longer work.
Jean Mueller has been a registered nurse for over 30 years. Her experience includes working in home care settings, skilled nursing care, and training individuals to become certified nursing assistants. For the past 13 years she has worked in the Aging Services department of the Madison Diocese Catholic Charities.