Q: My mother is 88 and has lived independently all of her life. Now she is having some pretty serious health problems. She is in the hospital and will shortly be moved to a skilled facility for continued care. I know that Medicare does not cover the cost of such care for a long period of time. The problem is that I know she would like to go back home after the nursing home stay. I think it just might be time to think about living in the home permanently, as I know she cannot manage all of her care independently. I am not able to care for her and frankly, I don’t want to be her caregiver — I want to be her daughter. However, I feel bad that I am not offering to move her in with my family and me. Am I a bad daughter for not wanting to help? (Sun Prairie)
A: You are a great daughter because you are concerned about your mother’s welfare. If you did not care, you would not ask. Having said that, I wonder if you might be thinking too far ahead. You did not mention the source of her health problems, but your mom might make significant progress in the time she spends at the facility.
She may learn new ways to care for herself. The facility staff can show her how to conserve energy, exercises to strengthen her muscles, and how to take medications correctly. She probably seems very frail to you right now, but we often underestimate the strong will to recover.
The other thing that was not mentioned is this: does your mother want to live with you? Sometimes we just assume mom or dad think we will “take them in” when they need help. Your mother may not want to take that step. My suggestion would be this: have a conversation with your mother about how she feels and what she wants.
She may not want to live with you. I have heard many elders express concern about becoming a “burden” to their children. Next, become acquainted with the facility staff caring for her. The nurses and social workers will suggest what the next steps should be based on her recovery and abilities.
It may be possible for her to return to her home with some in-home services. If the staff feels she would not be safe at home, they will offer information on how to proceed. After you have all of the information you need, together you can plan for the future.
If she has been struggling at home, she may actually appreciate being cared for. Nursing homes get bad reputations at times, but I have honestly seen people adapt and even flourish in these environments. A qualified, caring staff along with activities and increased socialization can outweigh the return to a lonely, isolated environment.
Whatever the future holds, I am confident that you and your mother can come to some kind of agreement about her care. If you are both honest about your feelings and fears, you can agree upon a plan that meets your mother’s needs and lightens some of the concern you have about her future.
Jean Mueller has been a registered nurse for over 30 years. Her experience includes working in home care settings, skilled nursing care, and training individuals to become certified nursing assistants. For the past 13 years she has worked in the Aging Services department of the Madison Diocese Catholic Charities.