Q: A recent visit to a relative in a nursing home left me feeling very frustrated. My mother-in-law only wanted to complain about everything. This included everything from “I’m sure I have cancer,” to “my roommate leaves her television on all day,” and ending with “I think that infection is coming back.” You get the picture. It doesn’t make for a pleasant visit and I end up feeling as though my visits are an opportunity for a complaint session. I leave feeling less motivated to visit. Any suggestions? (From a daughter-in-law in Madison)
A: Visiting someone living in any kind of facility is very different, for both parties.
The fact is day-to-day life in a nursing home does not change much. Some days may offer more exciting programs or activities but in my experience the conversation usually ends up with a discussion of the menu and favorite meals.
When your mother-in-law lived at home, what were your conversations about? What interests do you share? Remember the reason she now lives in a skilled facility; she needs care.
If you want your visits to be more than superficial small talk, plan for the visit. Is there an interesting article you could bring and share with her? Could you bring some family photos to decorate her room and then reminisce about the place and time they were taken? What about a favorite recipe or cookies she used to like?
If she is able to share them with you, you might bake a batch of cookies and bring them in. That would lead to a conversation about a time when you shared this food. Does she like to play cards or board games? You might ask if she feels up to playing.
Remember the reason she is there is because she cannot care for herself independently any longer. It is a huge adjustment.
Her complaining might be annoying to you, but it is an opportunity for her to vent. You could allow this for a time, but then refocus the visit to one of the activities she used to enjoy — it might make for a much more pleasant visit.
Jean Mueller has been a registered nurse for over 30 years. Her experience includes working in home care settings, skilled nursing care, and training individuals to become certified nursing assistants. For the past 13 years she has worked in the Aging Services department of the Madison Diocese Catholic Charities.