Q: After my mother suffered a massive heart attack I offered to have her move in with me so I could provide the necessary care. That was six months ago and in that time she has progressively gotten weaker and less able to care for herself. My care in the beginning consisted of making meals, doing her laundry and reminding her to take her medications. Now she is having trouble walking on her own; she definitely needs help with her personal hygiene and we have not talked about this level of care. I am extremely uncomfortable giving my mother a shower or helping her with other needs such as going to the bathroom. How can I convince her to accept some outside help? (From a daughter in Sun Prairie).
A: This is the part of caregiving that is a true test for both of you.
When we take on a task like caregiving we often don’t look too far ahead because we don’t know what to expect, or in some cases we don’t want to know what lies ahead.
By this time you and your mother have established a familiar routine and my guess is that she is pretty comfortable with things as they are. She is not recognizing your discomfort with her additional needs and that is not unusual.
In most cases people are not being intentionally difficult, they just don’t realize the amount of assistance they need.
It is time to have an honest talk with your mother. Begin by telling her how much you like having her with you and how rewarding it is for you to help her.
Then you can say something like, “I haven’t had any formal training in some of the things you need help with and I feel nervous about doing something wrong or unintentionally hurting you. Can we talk about how to handle this?”
My guess is that she will do everything she can to reassure you. Involving your mother in the decision making process would show your respect for her and give her some control of her care.
Remember, it is okay if you do not want to assume the responsibility for providing this level of care. It does not mean you don’t love her; it is a physical manifestation of her decline. If your mother does not understand your reluctance to provide the additional cares you could explain that you want your relationship with her to remain mother-daughter, not mother-caregiver.
If your mother is willing to accept assistance from someone other than you there are many options. Dane County has several agencies that assist seniors with a variety of cares; for example Catholic Charities has a CompanionCare program that can help your mom with personal cares.
Another option is for you to learn how to provide these cares to your mother. Catholic Charities also offers caregiver training classes that teach you how to provide the assistance your mother needs.
Even if you do not want to assume the responsibility of providing these cares, you would learn the correct method and procedures for caregiving. Armed with that knowledge, you could thoroughly screen outside caregivers to assure they are following protocol.
This is a time when caregiving can be extremely challenging and extremely rewarding. My prayer for you and your mother is that it will be gratifying for you both and strengthen the love you obviously have for one another.
To learn more about the services mentioned contact Catholic Charities Aging Services at 608- 833-4800.
Jean Mueller has been a registered nurse for over 30 years. Her experience includes working in home care settings, skilled nursing care, and training individuals to become certified nursing assistants. For the past 13 years she has worked in the Aging Services department of the Madison Diocese Catholic Charities.