Q: I have been caring for my mother for the past two years. She is in her late 80’s and has several health issues. The doctors told me she would probably not live beyond one year when I first brought her home. Lately she has been asking me, almost every day, “why am I still here?” I have given all of the cliché answers, such as “God’s not ready for you yet”, or “it’s not your time.” I have run out of things to say. What do you say or do when the person you are caring for is ready to go, and they simply seem to linger? (From a daughter in Middleton)
A: The answers you have given your mother are the very same I said to my mom when she was in the last years of her life and relying on family to care for her.
If you are Catholic, a conversation with your priest might help her feel more at peace with her current situation, but I wanted to address this from a different point.
You said your mother keeps asking this question — almost daily.
Perhaps there is something else behind the question. Your mother might be seeking some reassurance from you about her care. When she asks, “Why am I still here?” she may mean, “Am I causing too much work for you? “Am I becoming a burden?”
Those are very difficult questions to ask outright — so they are hidden in the context of a different subject.
Next time your mother asks, you might say “You know mom, I don’t know why, but I am sure glad you are still here! I get to spend another day with you!”
The days of caregiving can be very long and sometimes can feel never ending, but trust me, once the person has passed, you will only have the memories of her and your time together.
Each day you have to spend with her is a gift, so please treasure them.
Jean Mueller has been a registered nurse for over 30 years. Her experience includes working in home care settings, skilled nursing care, and training individuals to become certified nursing assistants. For the past 13 years she has worked in the Aging Services department of the Madison Diocese Catholic Charities.