Q: My father is an alcoholic and was never “involved’ in my life as I grew up.
My mother passed away five years ago after a lifetime of enabling him.
Now he is ill and wants help from me, but I don’t feel much like helping since he was never there for me. I feel bad that I have these feelings, it is not very Christian, is it? (From Beloit)
A: It seems you already feel guilty for not wanting to respond to your father, but it also sounds like the past was very hurtful.
As much as we know about alcoholism and the effects it can have on a family, it is hard to excuse the damage caused by this disease.
Does your father know how much pain he caused you? His time of need might be a time to let him know how you feel.
He might be totally oblivious to the pain his drinking caused. You might let him know how you feel, all of the hurt and neglect you felt.
If it is too hard to say, write him a letter describing your feelings and give him the reasons why you are reluctant to help him now. It might open a door to some understanding and repentance for past actions.
Another factor is to examine your own emotions. Do you want a relationship with your father before it is too late? Will you later regret not helping him?
This will involve an honest examination of your feelings. After you look at the situation objectively, ask yourself, “How will I feel if I help him or don’t help him?”
Listing your expected emotions can make the decision easier. If you do decide to help him, it is okay to put some healthy boundaries around what you will and won’t do. That will help your father understand what he can and cannot expect of you.
If you decide that you simply cannot physically help him, maybe you could offer to explore some in-home agencies on his behalf. That is a way to help without needing to “be there” for him.
He is reaching out to you for a reason. You might discover his intentions are not self-motivated after all. This is a decision that will stay with you for the rest of your life. Please give it serious thought and prayer.
Jean Mueller has been a registered nurse for over 30 years. Her experience includes working in home care settings, skilled nursing care, and training individuals to become certified nursing assistants. For the past 13 years she has worked in the Aging Services department of the Madison Diocese Catholic Charities.