Bishop: Conditions for debating public policy

		Eye on the  Capitol  John Huebscher

Like the voters in Wisconsin, citizens in South Dakota this year will do more than elect public officials. They will also have their say on a referendum with significant moral implications as they decide whether a new law that bans nearly all abortions in that state will take effect.

Debates of such magnitude are bound to be contentious. With this in mind, Bishop Blase Cupich of Rapid City, S.D., writing in a recent issue of the Jesuit publication, America, offered his insights as to how such debates should occur.

Given that Wisconsin voters will decide whether to amend the constitution to define marriage as union between one man and one woman (the bishops urge a "YES" vote) and whether Wisconsin should restore the death penalty (the bishops urge a "NO" vote) Bishop Cupich's insights are relevant for us.

The bishop sets forth three conditions for the debate: first, that people recognize that such debates "are inevitably moral questions formed by moral values"; second, that such debates involve a call to understand the concerns of those on both sides; and third, that "there must be a commitment to dialogue that is civil, interactive, and substantial."

Involve value judgments

The bishop makes clear that many debates over public policy involve value judgments. By their nature they involve discussions of right and wrong, social good or social ill, wisdom or folly in how we live. He makes clear that we cannot escape the responsibility to choose.

Nor can we skirt moral issues by citing a lack of consensus. He notes that the end of slavery and advances in economic justice and civil rights would not have occurred if a consensus was necessary before we moved forward.

Understanding each other

Regarding the second condition for debate, Bishop Cupich observes that understanding the concerns expressed on both sides of a debate helps in forming more convincing arguments. Within the context of the abortion debate, experience has taught him "the Catholic position favoring the protection of human life is greatly enhanced when it is constantly articulated with a full and compassionate recognition of dilemmas that pregnant women often face . . ."

A similar effort to understand our opponents can serve to enhance our position as we debate other issues with moral implications whether in election campaigns or policy debates in legislative bodies. Not only does such understanding make us more persuasive but it helps us meet the third condition identified by Bishop Cupich, that of civil debate.

Civility in debate

The bishop notes that our nation has been "greatly impoverished by the bitterness, superficiality, and attack-orientation of our political debates and campaigns." He urges instead a debate "in which both sides consistently commit themselves to honesty, compassion, and insight" and asks that both sides "expect and acknowledge those qualities in their opponents."

Bishop Cupich concludes his column with the hope that the dialogue in his state will "be characterized by civility and depth" and a recognition that "in public discourse moral passion must walk hand in hand with mutual respect."

Good advice for citizens in South Dakota. Good advice for citizens in Wisconsin.

John Huebscher is executive director of the Wisconsin Catholic Conference in Madison.

Meaning of marriage: Married couples weigh in

By Kathleen Bushman
CATHOLIC HERALD STAFF

	This article is part of a series of articles exploring various aspects of marriage. The series is intended to provide information for Catholic citizens as they vote November 7 on a state Marriage Referendum. The referendum would amend the state constitution to provide that only a marriage between one man and one woman shall be valid or recognized in Wisconsin.

To discover an answer, go to the source. For marriage, it's people with experience of the sacrament.

To explore the meaning of marriage, the Catholic Herald spoke with three married couples - two with more than 25 years of experience each and one with less than 10. The following are some of their responses to questions about the importance of marriage.

The O'Briens

Marriage, Patty said, "is a union between the three of us (the husband, wife, and God), and also unconditional love between us and our children."

"It's our vocation and God needs to play a central role in that lifetime commitment," said Mike.

In their marriage, they try to infuse fun and romance in creative ways into their marriage, simple things such as writing notes to each other and doing activities together. Patty said they find joy in everyday things.

"There's joy in every step of the way with children," she said. "There's pain also, but that makes the joys so much sweeter."

There are troubles in marriage - the O'Briens talked about the "Awesome Autumn of '89," in which their family went through many health and financial troubles.

"You kind of just believe everything's going to work out," said Patty. "You put faith in God and each other."

They often told their sons when younger that, having a committed union with God in their lives, they would work through anything. They said knowing that gives a strong sense of stability.

The couples interviewed Patty and Mike O'Brien: 28 years of marriage, three sons. Married at St. Patrick Parish, Fond du Lac; currently at St. John Vianney in Janesville. Patty owns a computer consulting business and Mike is a vice president of sales. Erica and Marco Tejeda: six years of marriage, two children. Married at St. Paul's University Catholic Center, Madison; currently at St. Maria Goretti, Madison. Erica is a stay-at-home wife and mother and Marco is an engineer. Beth and Dan Kolk: 26 years of marriage, four children. Parishioners at Christ the King, McFarland. Both are registered nurses by training.

The vast majority of Americans still believe that a long-term commitment between a man and a woman was the original intention of marriage, Mike said. "Because, frankly, the stability of society really begins with marriage and the family."

"It's important for the happiness of people," said Patty. "Being in marriage makes people more successful in life, more confident."

"We all need people who believe in us more than we believe in ourselves," Mike added.

The Tejedas

"To me, it means working at something," Erica said of marriage. "A work that you continue to practice."

For Marco, "It's a great response to each other, to our kids, and to the world. And, in each of these three areas, to God."

They added good communication and selflessness as two qualities that were important in a good marriage. If you are giving a gift of yourself with reservations, they said, you're not really giving it.

"Being selfless is being willing to understand," Erica said.

One of the biggest challenges they mentioned was having children, and how that changes the dynamics in a marriage. But Erica also said that watching their children grow is a joy, as well.

Marriage is important, Marco said, because it gives people hope that humans are capable of participation in divine love. "In the sacrament Jesus gives us that incredible responsibility and that incredible honor," he said.

"It's way bigger than we are, and you can only understand it when you believe in it," he said.

"It's not the two people," said Erica. "Don't forget that you can't do it alone - you turn to Christ always."

The Kolks

"Marriage is a sacrament in the Catholic Church," said Beth. "It's a promise between ourselves and God."

"It's as much a calling as a priest," Dan said. "It's more a calling than your occupation, your job."

Two of the characteristics of marriage they think are important to a good marriage are openness and trust - and they have to work together.

"Ultimately, trust in marriage is what makes it work," Dan said.

"One of the greatest challenges is understanding that control is not the issue," said Beth. She mentioned having children and finding jobs and other ways to "control" life. "If we have faith, these things will happen. Life happens . . . ultimately it's how we handle what happens to us."

One piece of advice for other couples Beth gave was, "Don't ever lose perspective on the virtues that drew you together." Virtues, she said, can sometimes turn into vices in the other person's view. "Keep everything in perspective of what the two of you were meant to do."

Dan said it's important to say you are sorry. "Eventually, whether right or wrong, we had to be sorry for the hurt we caused," he said.

"These were all things we've learned in our marriage," he said. "You can weather a lot of tough things if you keep them in mind."

Modesty: Greatest defense

		A Culture  of Life  Fr. Eric Nielsen

An old joke says that a T-shirt is the perfect gift to give a weight lifter. If it is too big for him, he will be flattered; if it is too small, he will wear it.

I can't speak for the truth of this statement regarding weight lifters, but it seems to apply well to teen-age girls. Somewhere along the line many girls have decided that it is desirable to be immodest in dress, and this has had disastrous consequences both for them and the boys they socialize with.

Among other things, immodest dress encourages young people to value each other not as possible objects of friendship and love, but rather as objects of possible sexual enjoyment. This in turn leads to a breakdown in the mystery that should surround the marital act and the healthy shame that should surround its reduction to mere lust.

'Flesh is weak'

In his book Love and Responsibility, John Paul II said shamelessness consists in the "rejection of that healthy tendency to be ashamed of reactions and feelings which make another person merely an object of use because of the sexual values belonging to him or her." In other words, it is fine to dress in order to accentuate our masculinity and femininity; it is wrong to dress in such a way as to make our bodies appear more important than our personalities.

The good news is that most boys and girls have an innate desire to see each other as persons rather than objects. This desire, however, must be encouraged and protected lest it be overcome by increasingly strong emotional desires to obtain sensual pleasure or to be noticed. As our Lord said, "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."

'Modesty in dress'

Modesty in dress is the greatest natural defense we have against the shameless use of sexual desires. But this can be kind of tricky, for there are different standards of modesty. Many young women, particularly those who are naïve in their understanding of men's and boys' weaknesses, may not consider a certain style as particularly immodest.

On the other hand, some males may simply be overly sensitive and there is no need to have the excessively modest dress that has sometimes been imposed on women in various cultures. Furthermore, modest dress at the beach is different than modest dress at the prom or in church. Changing styles also have to be taken into account. Where is the line drawn?

A father's help

One person who can very easily help a young woman is her father, especially if he has mastered his own sexuality. His ability to love his wife for who she is and his desire to see his daughter loved in the same way will make him particularly accurate in determining any immodest dress that would distract a young man from his daughter's natural charm.

So dads, here is what you do. Before your daughter leaves the house for the evening, take a good look at what she is wearing. Be sure to tell her how beautiful she is and how particularly attractive she is in her new outfit. Then take her to the back of your darkened garage, shine your car's 'brights' into her eyes, and ask her if she can read the license plate.

When she tells you no, whisper into her ear, "Neither will a young man be able to see your personality dressed like that - please go upstairs and put something else on." You may see a tear or two, but better to see those tears now than the tears she will shed later after losing a boy she mistakenly thought loved her.

Fr. Eric Nielsen is pastor at Sullivan and Palmyra. Syndicated by www.OneMoreSoul.com

Growing older: Comes with wisdom

		Grand Mom  Audrey  Mettel Fixmer

In the last 30 days I have ventured far from home twice. On the first trip I traveled by air with Bob to spend a week with our son, Rob, and his family in New Jersey.

On the second trip I left Bob behind and accompanied my daughter, Kris, on her business trip to Phoenix.

On both occasions I became acutely aware that I am getting older. You know the old phrase "older but wiser?" I kept thinking about that. It's easy to measure older, but how do we measure wiser?

Wisdom in decisions

Bob, who traveled for a living for more than 30 years, used to hop on one plane after another toting 50 pounds of books. Today he doesn't "hop" any longer, but rather several years ago he replaced the book bag with a cane.

It was magic. The cane commanded respect. It brought him to the head of the line for early boarding, and me along with him. Today, however, a cane no long suffices.

We knew we were older when Bob traded the cane for a walker and ordered a wheelchair at the airport. That brought even more perks. We went right to the head of the security line, too. That was wiser than a cane.

But soon I realized I was older too because running alongside the wheelchair left me breathless and limping painfully. So I got wiser when I ordered a wheelchair for myself, too. Instead of feeling embarrassed by our handicaps we felt wise for our decisions.

Everyday situations

You know you are older when your oldest son greets you at the baggage department and he is wearing a full head of grey hair . . . his own. And you know you are wiser because you quit coloring your own hair three years ago so that he can claim you as his mother and you look the role.

You know you are older when you dine in a fine restaurant like the one Rob treated us to celebrate our 59th wedding anniversary, and you can barely eat half the entrée you are served. You know you are wiser when you ask for a box for your leftovers and make no pretense that it is for the dog. You are thrilled that you will dine graciously the next day all over again.

You know you are older when you and your daughter have a couple of hours to spare between hotel checkout time and your plane's departure time so you go to a multiplex theatre with 24 different offerings, and not one looks appealing. You know you are wiser when you finally pick the one that appears least offensive, and then walk out after 15 minutes because it is really awful.

Preparation

You know you are older when in anticipation of your visit your son, who lives in a tri-level home, constructs a handrail for his dad on the first level leading from the entry way. But Bob, who uses a walker now, still has trouble with all the other levels.

I felt it wise of me to point out, "Gee, wouldn't it be awful if Dad broke a hip while he was here? We wouldn't be able to leave for months." From that day forward, Rob and his family took turns staying home from work to make sure nothing bad happened to Grandpa.

We had a great time and felt totally pampered and appreciated. Growing old isn't so bad after all, as long as we make use of that wisdom that goes along with it.

"Grandmom" likes hearing from other senior citizens who enjoy aging at P.O. Box 216, Fort Atkinson, WI 53538.

Our response to war:
Do we sigh and groan - or accept it?

	Guest Columnist  Fr. Jim Murphy

Last month we were reading from the Prophet Ezekiel at weekday Mass. I don't recall having read chapter nine of Ezekiel even though we read this passage every even numbered year.

Ezekiel has a vision. God cries out and six men appear with weapons accompanied by a man in linen with writing materials and they enter the temple. The man in linen was then instructed to go through the city and mark all those who sigh and groan over the evil that was occurring.

Present day application

Last month we were also in the midst of Israel and Hezbollah exchanging bombs and missiles. The rest of the world was sighing and groaning for an immediate cease-fire and here in the U.S. there were reasons given that this violence should be allowed.

Civilians died day after day on alternating sides of the Lebanon-Israel border and most of the world was groaning. Catholics in the U.S. responded to the Pope's call and had a Sunday of prayer and penance for peace. Our angst was more like a 24-hour flu than a grief filled sigh. Why was this our response?

In Ezekiel's day, the people were worshipping idols and turned their back on God. In this new millennium, there is little sighing because recent generations have turned from God and put their trust in weapons.

The U.S. was almost alone in the world in failing to call for an immediate cease-fire in Lebanon because we trust weapons to solve problems. We have turned our back on God and placed our trust in spending over $400 billion annually on the military.

Gods of war

We then spend additional special appropriations of tens of billions of dollars for wars. We continue to maintain and develop thousands of nuclear weapons without a sigh but groan when others develop these monstrous gods of destruction.

The U.S. maintains temples to the gods of war as military bases in over 60 countries. We fight wars half way around the world without the support of neighboring countries.

Our military, instead of being champions of freedom and human rights, has been involved in the massacre at Haditha and torture at Abu Ghraib. We must groan at these evils carried out by representatives of our nation.

As in the days of Ezekiel, we have filled the world with violence. Tens of thousands lie dead in Iraq. Thousands have returned to the U.S. as lifeless bodies. Tens of thousands more are maimed, wounded, or have lifelong emotional scars.

'Sighing over violence'

Yet there are few sighs. The groaning cannot be heard above the cries of support.

In writing this I would like to be marked by the man in linen as among those sighing over the violence that I, as a U.S. citizen, condone, endorse, and fund in our world.

I groan that instead of endorsing and funding rebuilding of homes and infrastructure with Muslims in tsunami destroyed areas and creating friends, I have sent others to respond to Muslim extremists with violence.

I groan that I am asked to honor as heroes, young, maimed, and scarred warriors while Peace Corp volunteers and missionaries return to the U.S. without acclaim.

I groan that while the military contracts for comfort food in war zones, we cannot get adequate nutrition to people in Haiti, yet alone the Congo or Darfur.

'Must sigh and groan'

What happened to the people the man in linen marked because they were sighing and groaning? They were spared by God.

In an era when U.S. military spending is equal to that of the rest of the world, we must sigh, knowing that violence has become our security. We must groan that fear of our weapons rules our relationships rather than aid to conquer real enemies of hunger and disease.

We cannot change immediately but we must sigh and groan.

Fr. Jim Murphy is pastor of St. Mary of the Immaculate Conception Parish in Portage, linked with St. Mary Parish, Briggsville.